Project Mixtape #1
As excruciatingly hard as it can be to craft the perfect mixtape for a girl that you desperately want to sleep with, crafting a mixtape for a girl that you don’t want to sleep with is even harder. It certainly seems at the outset to be easier - just pick a bunch of songs you like and then put them on a tape - but one thing that my life (and Star Wars) has taught me is that nothing will ever be as easy as it appears to be.
If you’re making a mixtape for a girl that you like, song selection is important. The mixtape is a block of wood and the playlist is a lathe that you’re using to turn out the elegant ups, downs and flourishes of the emotional journey that you’re sending l’objet d’amour on (or, at least, like, hoping to send them on).
Using a lathe isn’t easy. There’s a reason you have to sign that waiver on the first day of wood shop.
The problem in making a mixtape for a girl friend that you don’t experience painful, unrequited pangs for, is that every song placement, every lyric, every hand clap needs to be analyzed endlessly to ensure that The Wrong Message (TM) isn’t being sent. That the tone is, “This is some cool music that I like,” and not “I’m giving this to you under the guise of being some cool music that I like, but there’s a secret, Dan-Brown-esque code embedded within this tape that will show you the true and unerring map of my heart.” The potential for misinterpretation is huge and anxiety-making.
Maybe I should close with a song that is unromantic. Antiromantic. Maybe the whole thing should be antiromantic. “Here’s a tape I made about how little I like you.” It would probably have lots of Misfits on it, and some old school Metallica. Some Gregorian Chant. Some Christian rock about celibacy and how badass it is. Bits of the Star Trek score.
Maybe I’m overthinking this.
8 comments
How well do you know the girl? How friendly are you, and how much can you fuck around with her?
I had a female friend and we once exchanged tapes that were about, oh shit I forget the precise themes, but one was like “I hate you but I want to fuck you” and the other was “I like you but don’t want to fuck you” or something.
I’ve also long dreamt of putting together the ultimate mix compilation of songs about anal sex. I realize this exposes just how miniscule and sad my dreams are in general.
There are a surprising amount of songs about that very thing. Like all of the Top Gun soundtrack, for instance.
And, by way of answering your questions by avoiding your questions, it’s like five girls, and they run the gamut of responses for each of those questions.
Songs about drugs (or alcohol) would work for your not-romantic theme, and there is no shortage of those.
My problem with making mixes these days it it just ends up being like 70% Mountain Goats.
I’m thinking about putting Collapsing Stars on one of them.
I don’t know. I think “Master of Puppets” is one of the most romantic songs EVAH!
I was going to follow you for the simple reason that your twitter handle made me laugh. But this post made me laugh even harder so… here I am! Thanks for the laugh!
I have two words for you, Jeff – SHOW TUNES.
Seriously, It’s not as terrible as it first sounds.
Working exclusively with music from movie soundtracks and/or movie scores would certainly give you ample room to demonstrate your exquisite taste - appropriately impressing l’objet(s) d’indifference - while simultaneously providing an atmosphere of romantic neutrality.
If the meta-theme is provided up front, I think that the recipient would be less likely to look for the hidden pattern.
I guess any “themed” mix would work…songs about “winter”, songs about “dancing”…as long as your theme ISN’T “unrequited love,” you’re golden.
And…umm…no offense, but I would also stay away from the whole butt-sex thing…but hey! That’s just me.
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