UGC Week: Beards

Last night, I stood in front of the mirror thinking that it was time for a fresh start in my life and that, accordingly, I should make a celebratory life change, like shaving off my beard.

I only seriously considered this for like five seconds, because let’s face it, there are tons of benefits to beard-having, but here are the best 20:

1. Telekinesis.
2. Ultra-manliness.
3. Protection against cold weather.
4. Extra time freed up by lack of daily shaving.
5. Feared by dogs, small children.
6. The telekinesis? Can’t stress that enough.
7. Conceals the twin scars I received at age 10 when I tried to duel my father’s killer, a six-fingered man.
8. Compensates for my weekly viewing of Grey’s Anatomy.
9. Allows me to blend in at cons.
10. Makes me an authority on wilderness survival.
11. Visual cue distinguishing me from my evil twin.
12. Beard telepathically commands me not to shave it off.
13. Great for catching errant chips during depression-driven binge eating sessions.
14. Can stop a 9mm bullet.
15. Vital component of my Hercules, Prince of Power Halloween costume.
16. +2 to Charisma
17. Makes me Totally Rugged.
18. [Make up your own Katie Holmes joke here - post in comments]
19. Beard will be incorporated into official Jefferson Stolarship logo - can’t lose it now.
20. Gnostic prophecy indicates that removing my beard will cause a horde of mutant locusts to rise from the ground and devour the world’s wheat crop. While on fire.

As you can see, I’m basically doing this for your benefit.